Sh! It’s a Secret…

I’m always entertained when I read a secret…in the news. Recent headlines were full of secrets and yesterday I got an email that just made me have to write. Rumors are flying; regular activity is being taken to mean anything and everything.

Recent secret headlines:

  • America’s second-highest ranking army officer on secret visit to Israel for Iran security talks – Secret visit…in every one of Israel’s major newspapers and news sites? Secret? 
  • Israeli strike on Iran not likely – that’s according to the Turkish Prime Minister  – ok, who’s been feeding him secrets? 
  • Netanyahu canceled a Security Cabinet meeting due to leaks…what leaks? Who needs leaks when you have all this free advice on the Internet?
  • US urges Iraq to inspect Iran supply flights to Syria – now who’s bright idea is that? Are we seriously going to trust Iraq to check Iranian flights? 
  • The IDF has deployed the Iron Dome anti-missile system around Tel Aviv – okay…
  • And Likud-then-Kadima-now-Likud-Again Knesset Member Tzachi HaNegbi says the next 50 days are the most fateful since the Yom Kippur War – which means he has absolutely no connections with the government and hasn’t a clue what is happening, and wants to feel important.
Are you wondering if there will be signs before Israel attacks Iran? It’s a secret but here, I’ll write it here anyway. Sure there will be signs – and there will be things that aren’t signs that people will take as signs.

Here are signs that probably have no significance but since people need some, I’ll add a few:

  • The price of toilet paper will go higher.
  • The price of bottled water will be lowered and people will be told they should buy some – in fact, major stores will offer a 2 for 1 sale. They’ll say it is in honor of the upcoming holidays, but I’m sure it’s because of Iran.
  • Everyone will get an SMS (secretly) telling them to fill their cars with gas and point them to the west.
  • The Iron Dome will be deployed around Yokneam – as soon as we can find that small city in the north…I know it was up Route 70 or something….  
  • Bill Clinton will announce that he has decided to go into the car sales profession and is moving to the capital of Israel – the united city of Jerusalem for this endeavor.
  • The IDF website will publish a web page with detailed instructions for how to insulate and seal off your Sukkah so that in case the attack comes during the holidays, we can still sit and enjoy our week in the huts we build.
  • Bibi Netanyahu will instruct the IDF Spokesperson to open up a new Twitter account to launch his “Sh! It’s a Secret” campaign to avoid more leaks. He’ll call it @SHITSASECRET and then realize that’s not a good idea and change it to @IDFinIran (taken from the @IDFinHait success).
  • The Israel Air Force will want to have its own Twitter feed – this will be @IDFoverIran
  • Ehud Barak, not to be outdone, will open up a Twitter account as well  – @Ihaveabigmouth
  • Schools will be told that they have to continue to act as if Israelis are sending their children to school – so all schools have been granted an additional budget of 250 NIS to put timers on all the lights. Special auto-flush devices are to be installed on at least two toilets as well.
  • Although the tank division is not likely to be involved in a war with Iran, they’ve been instructed to park their tanks in various places and make a lot of noise at least twice a week. This way, when the actual attack comes, the Iranians will think it is those crazy tank drivers again.
  • The national Israeli winter snack – Crembo – has been ordered to speed up production and get supplies into the stores as fast as possible. (Warning: I saw them this week!)
  • The health ministry will announce everyone over the age of 25 should drink lots of green tea and take an aspirin a day.
  • The army will start bringing thousands of soldiers to the Western Wall (um…as they do every year before Rosh Hashana)…but people will still say that it is because of Iran.
  • A sure sign of an impending attack will the birth of 7 sets of twins and 1 set of triplets – this will probably happen in Haifa…oh wait…it did…uh oh….
I hope I haven’t missed any sure signs of an attack…if you think of any – please do feel free to share.

In the meantime, let me say that whatever will be, will be. The future is not ours to…wait, that’s a song.

Okay, so let me say that part of living in Israel is believing in miracles and having faith that there is a reason why God gave us this land. That’s right – He did. And as God is, by definition, all knowing, He knew that one day, we’d be surrounded by 23 Arab nations, including the King Lunatic in Tehran.

Have faith. Believe that God did not return us here to our homeland after 2,000 years to be obliterated. Here is where we belong – here is the sunshine and the land that has always been ours and always will be. From Metulla to Eilat; from the sea to the river – may God bless Israel – yeah, including the politicians who can’t keep their mouths shut…and the very few of our sons who at this moment probably know the truth of what our plans will be.

If it is to happen – know that we love you, we pray for your safe return and success on your mission. Fly safe; fly true – and take some crembo with you!

7 Comments on Sh! It’s a Secret…

  1. There was also a set of triplets born in Kfar Saba to a Paratroop Brigade officer. Do you think this is a sign as well??

  2. LOL! Very funny. But sad too, and so true. I blogged about this too a while back, but not in nearly as talented and amusing a way as you. And of course I didn’t include any fore-warning signs. Until you posted them I thought they were a secret. 🙂

  3. I’m sure that was definitely a sign! So – two more paratroopers (or three?). Mazel tov to your son and the entire family! What an amazing bracha!

  4. This is hilarious!

    In a serious kind of way…

  5. There will be signs:

    Pillar of Smoke by day;
    Pillar of Fire by night.

    Blamed on Arab arsonists again.

  6. I agree with Alison. Couldn’t stop laughing.

    G~d will continue to bless and protect Israel, in spite of it’s politicians. ;>) I have no doubt.

    May He continue to bless and protect you and yours!

  7. Here’s one a young mother sent me: the prices of diapers will go down so the government can ask for dirty diapers from the parents to use as biological warfare

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